Column day

YOU ARE VISITING THE OLD MALKIN(S)WATCH. THAT'S FANTASTIC. PLEASE VISIT THE NEW MALKIN(S)WATCH WHEN YOU GET A CHANCE.

I am a parent. I know this revelation will come as a surprise to Tim Wildmon, but there it is.

As a parent, I find Malkin's see-no-evil hear-no-evil sanctimony tiresome. Nowhere is it more on display than in this column.

Here's a rich irony: I'm writing today about a new children's book, but I can't describe the plot in a family newspaper without warning you first that it is entirely inappropriate for children.

The good news is, it's not a children's book. That is to say, not in the way that word evokes: It's a book aimed mainly at high schoolers. Technically children, I suppose, but not exactly the world of Goodnight Moon. (Or The Pet Goat.)

So what's the story that's "entirely inappropriate for children"? Well, it's a book about a "rainbow party." And what's a rainbow party?

A "rainbow party," you see, is a gathering of boys and girls for the purpose of engaging in group oral sex. Each girl wears a different colored lipstick and leaves a mark on each boy. At night's end, the boys proudly sport their own cosmetically-sealed rainbow you-know-where bringing a whole new meaning to the concept of "party favors."

Of course, despite Malkin's distaste for this book, it doesn't, in fact, devolve into kiddie porn (thank God) but rather a cautionary tale. Like all good "children's books."

In the end, the kids in the book abandon plans for the event and news of an epidemic of sexually transmitted diseases rocks their school...

So what's Malkin upset about? Well, she seems to think that the author and publisher are too approving of their subject.

"Part of me doesn't understand why people don't want to talk about [oral sex]," [the author, Paul Ruditis] said. "Kids are having sex and they are actively engaged in oral sex and think it's not really sex. I raised questions in my book and I hope that parents and children or teachers and students can open a topic of conversation through it. Rainbow parties are such an interesting topic. It's such a childlike way to look at such an adult subject with rainbow colors."

Teenage group orgies are "an interesting topic?" Is Ruditis out of his mind? We can only pray Simon & Schuster keeps him away from the preschool "Rubbadubbers" books.

What is wrong with her? Does she think if we just ignore the reality of "rainbow parties" - and, more specifically, the risky and potentially self-destructive behavior teenagers are engaging in - they'll just go away? Would it be better for parents to have never heard of "rainbow parties"? Would it be better for teens to never read about STD outbreaks until one happens in their school?

If talking about sex is outlawed, only outlaws will talk about sex. The rest of them will just learn from experience.